Hail Bush!

By Ken Freeland

(Washington, DC  9-10-07)  Following  the footsteps of rulers of the late Roman empire, President George W. Bush today issued Executive Order 310.17 declaring himself a god.   Facing dismal news from General Petraeus' much-anticipated report on the disappointing results of months of “surge” in troop deployment to Iraq, Mr. Bush was heard to say to reporters last Friday that “there's more than one way to skin a cat.”  Fearing that even the sycophantic Democrats in Congress will no longer be able to unconditionally support his four-and-a-half year war that has plunged Iraq into deep chaos, subverted  human rights at home and abroad, made a mockery of  international law and utterly failed to restore economic viability to the Iraqi people, Mr. Bush clearly plans to “stay the course” by trumping anticipated  Congressional opposition to the war they have so generously funded by recourse to divine mandate:  “I've never really been much of a believer myself,” confessed the President, as he informally chatted with reporters at a Hollywood-style Washington studio, where he is being fitted for a new wardrobe befitting his new status.   “But you know,  religion really is not such a bad idea... as long as I get to be god.”   

According to insiders, who requested anonymity, the crafting of this Executive Order was the last piece of business -- indeed, pundits have dubbed it the “masterpiece” -- of former Presidential Advisor Karl Rove.  They report that the  work on this Executive Order was completed by Mr. Rove just one day  prior to the recent announcement of his resignation.   “The President no longer needs me to shore up his  power,” he was heard to remark on his exit, “He will have absolute and unquestioned power from now on to do whatever he wants.”  His last instructions to the President were to issue the executive order as soon as possible, and definitely before the Petraeus report.

While critics hotly debate whether the President has the authority to make a unilateral claim to divine authority, reaction in Congress was considerably cooler:  “We are not in the habit of questioning executive orders,” intoned House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “And anyway, I said during my election campaign that impeachment of this President was off the table, and I meant it.”

US Rep. John Conyers was asked whether he would now consider  impeachment proceedings that it is the responsibility of Chair of the House Judiciary Committee to initiate.  “Look,” he replied with something of an exasperated tone, “If I was unwilling to start impeachment proceedings against a mere President for lying our country  into an illegal war that has taken the lives of hundreds of thousands of innocent people, what makes you think I am going to try to impeach a god? God only knows what would happen to us if such impeachment proceedings were unsuccessful... we would have egg all over our faces.”  

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who is scheduled for a 30-minute interview on Faux News this evening, is marching in lockstep with the Republican Preseident. McConnell has introduced a resolution to the Senate that would change the wording of the Pledge of Allegiance to “one nation under Bush.”  Explained the Senator to reporters, without a hint of irony in his voice: “Now that we know god's name there is no reason to beat around the bush.”

Meanwhile,  Hillary Clinton  responded to Bush's announcement by shrewdly observing that “if a Republican President can be elevated to a god this year,  a Democratic president  can next year.” Clinton is reported to be organizing an “equal rights for goddesses” campaign to buoy up feminist support for her 2008  presidential candidacy.

TV Evangelist Pat Robertson could scarcely contain his glee at the announcement of Bush's divinity.  “This represents the culmination of our decades of work to influence the Republican Party in the direction of dominionism,” he told reporters.  “And woe unto those who grumble about the need for separation of church and state;  historically speaking,  religion never enjoyed so much social influence as when theocracy was in full flower.  We have been waiting eons for this moment.  This is the ultimate fulfillment of our mission.”

The question of protocol in addressing President Bush or referring to him publicly  has suddenly become a matter of intense concern for those having immediate contact with the newly divinized President.   The White House Press Corps, ever anxious to curry personal favor with the Commander-in-Chief, queried newly-appointed White House Press Secretary Dana Perino about the appropriate way to  address a god.  In a private briefing with the Corps after consulting with Mr. Bush, Perino is reported to have suggested that clenching the right hand to the breast, than raising the arm in an open-handed salute, while piously shouting “Hail Bush,” would probably suffice.  When unflappable White House Correspondent Helen Thomas alertly noted the similarity of this to the  “Heil Hitler!” salute once used by Nazis, Perino is reported to have snapped back:  “You ain't seen nothin' yet!”

The question of how the divine president will be worshiped has been the subject of much speculation.  While White House plans for a special “designer liturgy”  remain under wraps, it is rumored that Vice President Dick Cheney is burning the midnight oil working on  a new executive order to be titled “Eminent Dominion.”   Insiders say that the Vice President is planning to expropriate all peace and justice centers around the country in order to convert them into temples of worship of the new state religion.   “Peace activists have been laughably ineffective in stopping our wars or our usurpation of the constitutional rights of citizens,” the Vice-President once boasted to an insider. “Generally they go right on paying their war taxes and voting for the Democrats who support our wars... they can't be taken seriously, they're really just a  pain in the petut... we  need to convert their so-called "peace centers" to some productive use.”  When an aide suggested to the Vice-President that Congress might not approve such blatantly confiscatory policies, Cheney reportedly retorted:  “Congress never understood me when I told them that we are not part of the executive branch.  Now that the President has openly declared his divinity, maybe they will finally get it.  They may think they can veto a president, but if they think they can veto a god they've got another think coming!”

Wall Street's response was  wildly enthusiastic: shares of Blackwater, Kellogg Brown & Root  and Wackenhut stock enjoyed feverish trading and record gains, owing to widespread speculation that Americans who refuse to bow to their nation's new god will likely face immediate incarceration, and of course, that under Bush this will be privatized. Responding to news that their stock had  split twice in  one  day, Blackwater CEO Erik Prince clenched his fist to chest,  raised his arm in an open handed salute,  and with tears streaming down his cheeks cried “Hail Bush.”